I started to drink and use drugs at the age of 9 years old. My father had left and I blamed myself for his leaving my mother. Reality, dad just left. I also used to not feel my feeling of being molested by the neighbor everyday. Drugs worked really good for that. I did not have to feel anything, the number I was the better. At the age of 11 I molested my brother. He was only 4. We shared a room together. I have made my amends to him and today we are the best of friends and I am a sister to him and an aunt to his son. I do not ever have to repeat that behavior because of this program.

I had my first blackout at the age of 13 with the worst hangover in the world. No more hangovers, but a lot more blackouts. I found Cocaine at 13. It became my drug of choice. I did anything to get it. Steal, prostitution and deal drugs. I was of course my best customer. LOL

I got into a relationship with a man who was my dealer. He was very abusive to me. I stayed for the drugs. I was between 19 and 20 years old at this time. My parents had been trying to get me sober, but nothing worked, until one day they all showed up to my therapy session. My family gave me an option, "Stay with him and lose your family or take a short drive down the street to this hospital program and clean yourself up?" That was a hard decision for me, DEATH OR LIFE? I chose LIFE.

I did 21 days in the rehab and turned 21 while I was in there. I had a lot of anger and people kept wanting to hug me. I was not very social back then. I know people who know me have questions on that one. LOL My parents tried to get me into a recovery house after my stay at the hospital. Back in 1986 recovery was very big and all the recovery houses had long waiting list, so the other option for my parents was another hospital. The crazy ward. LOL I spent a total of 108 days in the loony bin. I have to tell you it became my home and I was afraid to leave. I got my first job sober in that loony bin. I went on job interviews and had to lie about my place of residence. That was really hard when asked my location. LOL "I live in the psych ward down the street." That would not work. LOL

I got a sponsor my first week of sobriety and did therapy almost everyday. You see I was insane!! My first year of sobriety was very structured and hard to deal with at times. I was trying to find out who Joy was and it almost killed me. My life style changed in sobriety. I found out that I was gay. All my friends that I got sober with abandoned me after I came out. At this point in my life getting loaded was the first thing that popped into my head. I didn't!! Instead I tried to kill myself, but you see I was killing the wrong person. I still did not know who I was, and I am glad GOD chose to keep me alive. I kept trudging that road of happy destiny. I got another sponsor who walked me through my suicide attempt and my coming out of the closet. She is my sponsor today and for that I am grateful.

I got into my first real relationship at 4 years sober. I went back to school to work on my degree and tried to have a child. The relationship ended and I found out that children were not part of GOD's plan for me. I was turning 8 years sober at that time.

At 8 years sober my first marriage ended very badly and my mental state was not good. I use to own a gun and after ending that relationship I went to a sober event and she was there. It was one of the worst days I ever had sober. I went home and decided to end it all. I put that gun in my mouth and was ready to pull the trigger when the doorbell rang. GOD was working in my life again. My younger sister was at the door and she was very pregnant with my nephew. She went into labor on my couch that day. You see GOD has always had a plan for me. I may never know what that plan is, but at least I know GOD is there with at all times.

I learned that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. All of life's problems are temporary. Well, I got into another relationship and of course in GOD's eyes got married again. We lived in Yosemite. What a beautiful place to live. The problem, meeting were almost non existent. I was going to school and joined a fraternity. Drinking was all around me. I was behaving as if I was going to get loaded, instead I ruined that relationship by cheating on her. I was 11 years sober. My life went to shit again. I left Yosemite after I graduated and moved back to the LA area. I started my own company and went to work. I went to a meeting and there was my sponsor who had helped me get through my coming out. She was the speaker. I asked her if she would sponsor me again and she said yes. She made me call her everyday for 30 days. I worked all the steps again and got back into service work. I dove into sobriety once again. I got into another relationship, except this time she was a newcomer. We were together for two years, up until the point of her smoking Crack Cocaine in front of me. I almost got loaded with her that day. I was 13 years sober. I had to let her go so that she could get sober again. I helped her go to rehab and loved her unconditionally. I see her every now and then. We are friends today.

Life today is the best it can be. Three years ago I found my soul mate. She does not drink or do drugs. She supports me on a daily basis. I do a lot of service for CA. I did service work on the World level, the Area level, and the meeting level. I use to work with women in recovery houses and now I sponsor people across the US. It is truly amazing how much my life has changed.

If you are new, please find a home group and a sponsor. Work, live and breath the steps. They will save your life as they have saved mine many times over and over. Get phone numbers and call them. Get a support group, a group of women you hang with. Find the winners and ask them questions.

This is what I do everyday, one day at a time. Please don't leave 5 minutes before the miracle. I promise it will happen. It did for me. Today I know I am a miracle.

Thank you all for letting be a part of something wonderful, your lives.

To the women who I have met over the years who have become my friends, THANK YOU for not pushing me away, because of who I am. I love you!!!!

Joy H.
3/25/86

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