Hi, I am KC and I am an alcoholic and an addict.

I didn’t intend for it to be this way. As a young kid, I watched my parents practice their alcoholism and promised myself that I would be different. I would never drink. I had friends that used marijuana and just knew that I wouldn’t do that either. Also, I told myself that I would never smoke cigarettes, as both of my parents were heavy smokers.

Where did it all go wrong? I don’t have a specific memory of when I “crossed the line” between social using and addiction, but I did cross that line.

Growing up was difficult. My father was physically, emotionally and sexually abusing me. My mom was withdrawn, depressed and drunk much of the time. I was abused from the age of 5 until I was 13.

Many would ask why I waited so long to get help for the abuse. Well, I had tried one time by approaching a neighbor. My dad was beating my mom pretty bad and I asked the neighbor to call the police. They told me that they didn’t want to get involved and I was sent home. I never tried again until that final time. It was at that time that I no longer cared if I lived or died, I just knew I couldn’t go on as things were. One night when my mom was bowling and my sister was at work, I ran from my father. I ran to another neighbor’s house, one that my dad did not know. Fortunately she was a nurse and knew all the right answers to ask and got the police involved right away.

My dad was arrested and a new nightmare began. Court systems, social workers, my mom constantly crying about how we were going to survive without my dad’s income, etc. I was made a ward of the court and court mandated to attend counseling sessions to begin recovery from the abuse. Of course, my mom bailed my dad out right away, but he was not allowed to come to our home and best of all, he could no longer touch me or contact me in any way without a social worker present.

My mom went to work full time and it was the summer of my 13th year. I had never known such freedom! I was free to visit friends and have friends over. Free to do whatever I wanted to without fear of repercussion. It was in the beginning of that summer that a neighbor man pointed out some pot plants growing in the yard next to his. Right away, I set up for a guy to steal the plants and split them with me. I had already smoked my first joint with my sister; my dad had smoked her first joint with her. I hadn’t gotten high yet, but like a good addict I was willing to keep trying until it worked!

We smoked that pot all summer long, rolling lots of joints. I wanted to know everything about it, how to roll it, how to buy and sell it, everything….Where had my resolve gone? I was going to be so different from my parents. Somehow, my resolve got lost in all the fun of the summer.

That was the funnest summer of my life. When drugs were still something I could take or leave. Before my addiction took over my life and sent me into another form of bondage. I can remember watching some friends smoking pot seeds because they were out of weed and telling myself that I would never be that desperate. Little did I know that I would indeed become a desperate drug addict.

I was introduced to cocaine at a 16th birthday party for my friend. I brought the $25.00 for some and didn’t like it so I gave the rest away. Being a good addict, I tried and tried it again until I got high. Finally, the relief I was looking for! I felt so self-assured, so grown up, so together. I felt like I could accomplish anything in life.

I had started a job at a local fast food place and was well on my way somewhere, or so I thought. I was promoted to Assistant Manager and was very proud of myself. But soon my grades started dropping in school and I was cashing my paychecks just to pay for dope. I spent many years doing this. However, I always chose those “lower companions”, people that were worse off in their addiction, so I still felt like I was Ok. I felt like I needed the drugs to feel normal, to get through the day, to get through life.

When I was about 18, I did a bad line of coke and it messed my nose up so bad that I stopped using cocaine. I did pot only. This lasted for a while. Meanwhile I married a much older man and got a better job in an office. Life was manageable for a while. Until that day…I ran into an old friend and she asked if I wanted to do a line. Before I even got out of the car, I asked her if she had a connection to get more. Sure! She had a great connection for more. I parked my car and went in the house.

This began a 4 year journey of complete and utter chaos in my life. I spent most of my savings, meeting the dealer at the ATM machine to get my coke as soon as possible. I began intercepting the bank statements so my husband couldn’t see the state of our finances. In some desperate, depressed times, I told him the truth and I would vow to quit cocaine. I really intended too, I really meant it. But within a few days I would be back to the old routine.

I remember many lonely nights when I would stay up all night using, only to do my last line at daybreak and then have to face a day at work, trying to act normal. My husband was disappointed in me and had lost respect for me. I was a flake in most ways, missing family events, appointments and work for my drug. It became my job, this drug addiction. So many times I called into work to tell them that yet another family member had died or some new disaster had struck. I am sure they stopped believing me, but I was starting to believe my own lies.

During this time, I also became a cold medicine addict. I was using it to come down from the coke. I was buying so much of it that I started buying the off brands, in bulk.

My bottom was simple. One morning I found myself without cold medicine or any joints. I found myself digging through the cigarette butts and ashes in my car looking for a roach, anything. This is after I had searched every hiding place in this house for anything to take the edge off of the cocaine. I had a moment of clarity when I thought “I am an addict”. It had never occurred to me before. I mean, I had friends without houses or cars or jobs. I had friends that stole to support their habits. Surely I couldn’t be an addict if they weren’t…or could I? I also realized that probably everyone close to me already realized that I was an addict, I was deeply ashamed.

I opened the phone book to the yellow pages. I was crying and shaking and looking for help. Fortunately, I still had insurance and found a place that would take me as an in-patient for 30 days. They wanted me to come right away, but I really needed to talk to my husband about it. I had hurt him so much already, I wanted his approval. He was very supportive and when I tried to back out because “it wasn’t a good time”, he gently reminded me that it was probably never “a good time” to do this and I should go ahead.

I was one of the lucky ones, I was able to be a patient, virtually locked away from the reality of my life and surrounded only by recovery and counselors. That hospital stay introduced me to 12 Step Programs. We attended AA, NA and CA meetings. I related mostly to the CA speakers and when I got out of the hospital I found myself attending mostly CA meetings. I don’t know of any of my fellow patients that stayed sober, but I am still here….19 years later.

My husband divorced me about 2 ½ years into recovery. I was so busy with meetings, school, work, and my new life that I wasn’t making time for him. However, I wasn’t willing to change anything in my life either. At the time, I was devastated, hardly willing to believe that my Higher Power would allow something like this to happen, this couldn’t be what he wanted for me, could it? I refused to manipulate my way to stay in this marriage, why be with someone that didn’t want to be with me?

Thankfully I had worked most of my steps and had a good foundation in this program. I had a great sponsor and attended a lot of meetings and had commitments at many of these meetings.

I met a really good man at one of the meetings and now have been married to another sober member of CA for 14 years. We have 2 great sons. My life is better today than I could have ever imagined. Not to say that I don’t have hard times, because I do. I have hit an emotional bottom in recovery and I have sought outside help, as the Big Book states we may sometimes need to do. We must be willing to go to any lengths to keep our sobriety.

Being sober does not mean life gets easy. However, being an addict is hard work and we are used to working hard. So when we finally get sober, most of us become very successful in our new lives. When the road gets rough, I go to more meetings, communicate with my sponsor more and stay close to service. I sponsor others in the program, trying to give back a little of what so freely was given to me.

I would not trade my life today for my old life. This means I do not use or drink, no matter what. I don’t think of using or drinking much, I haven’t for a long time now. My HP has removed the obsession and I am free today, free to be the best person I can be.

You might ask, why go to meetings after 19 years clean and sober? Well, the program and the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous provides a “design for living”. It shows me how to handle situations, how to ask for help and how to give back. The program did so much more than get me sober, it shows me how to live each day, good times and bad. I love the fellowship and all my sober friends I have met in the meetings.

If you are not sure you are an addict, come to a meeting and get acquainted, you may stay and find a whole new way of life that you never thought possible.

Hugs, KC

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