I began using at the age of 13. That was my first experience with any kind of substance that would alter my mind. Like most people, I started with pot, and like most addicts, I kept doing it even though I didn’t particularly care for it.

My addicted life was somewhat charmed it seemed. My parents were divorced when I was very young. My dad was a practicing alcoholic and abuser. We were living in Panama at the time of the divorce and my father continued to make his home there. What more could a blossoming addict ask for! My dad worked long hours and had a huge liquor cabinet and I was right where some of the best pot at the time was grown! From the age of 13 on, my nights and weekends were spent getting high.

My brother had discovered pot as well a year ahead of me and was always willing to share with his sis and provide something new and exciting. Because of this, before the age if 18 I had already tried LSD and a personal favorite, PCP.

It amazes me that I ever made it out of high school, since by my senior year I was usually high in class as well. I wasn’t exactly the homecoming queen and being high and always knowing where to get it allowed me to fit in. Smuggling from my dad’s house to the states was a way of life every summer!

In my later teens/early twenties, my group of friends changed due to work and I discovered crystal meth. Now this is what I was waiting for! It didn’t take long for me to establish this as my drug of choice. My best friend’s nephew was my dealer and my boyfriend so I was set! Again, it amazes me that I was able to keep a job and an apartment during this time, let alone stay out of jail. I have harbored criminals, stolen goods and “cooked” in my kitchen. The swat team has raided my home and still not jail time. In retrospect, maybe if I hadn’t “fallen through the cracks” as one detective put it, I may have gotten clean sooner. A healthy portion of my paycheck went to my addiction. I would spend days at a time picking at my hands and cleaning. That had to be the cleanest 500 square foot apartment in America!

Around this time, my brother got clean and on a visit to my mom’s, he told me about the program. He had about 90 days sober and for whatever reason, I told him that I wanted to go too. He took me to my first CA meeting in San Diego (my hometown) and I was home. I would like to tell you that this was the start of continuous sobriety but it was not. I made some really dumb choices even sober: same friends, really bad relationships, no step work. Needless to say, I went back out again at 3 years. What a demoralizing time this was! You see, I was one of those people who had disdain for the relapser. Yet I was the one on Christmas day who had her presents thrown at her by her brother while I was hugging the porcelain god!

I got my butt back to a meeting and tried to do it right! I worked the steps, I went to meetings and did what my sponsor said and I was of service. I still made mistakes (more really dumb abusive relationships!) but I made it to a year. I met and married a man in the program and life was good for 12 years; we were of service, had a child, joined a church and were active there, worked our steps and became a normal family. Then we moved out of state…this was the start of the end for my sobriety and marriage.

We were gone for 2 years and only attended one meeting the whole time! When we returned, meetings were no longer a way of life and neither was a relationship with God.

During this time, my brother developed lung cancer and was given 6 months, then 3 to live. He died at 3. My best friend was gone…I am proud to say my brother died with over 25 years of sobriety. I am sad to say that while he didn’t use during this time, I did. A wonderful little pain pull that I am sure a lot of you know. My use was minimal for the first couple of years but it was a daily thing.

After my brother’s death, my marriage fell apart. We had moved to San Diego to help out my mom and all of us under one roof and me using didn’t help. After the divorce, my family home was sold and I came back to the Inland Empire, bringing my mom as well.

I don’t know how but during this time I met a wonderful man. A complete “normie” who is very supportive and loving. He had no idea what an addict is and had no idea he was marrying one, but marry one he did!

Once again, my second least favorite disease struck! My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. My abuse of my favorite white pills escalated and for 3 years I watched my mom decline. During this time I attempted to “get clean” by telling my husband and having him step me down. Naturally, being the good addict that I was, I used every perceived issue to get more and use. I tried this route twice over the years, dusting off my Big Book and 12X12 every week while I cleaned house. I escalated my use to include additional opiates that were prescribed for my mom. My pill addiction was at about 100 pills a week and keeping all the people I was lying to and entities juggled was a full time job.

When my mom passed away 4 months ago, I knew it was time to quit. The guilt of knowing that I wasn’t clean when she died was overwhelming. By the grace of God, my withdrawals were far less than at any other time that I had tried to quit. After a week, I walked back into a meeting. I will always be grateful that I ran into someone that knew me so that I could not lie or walk away!

I cannot describe to you the love and support and feeling of safety I have experienced since coming back! I feel like a human again most days. I found a sponsor and started my steps immediately. I am currently working on my 4th step. I have almost 4 months clean and while everyday is not a ray of sunshine, it is such a relief to know that I don’t have to use again! I like to think that my mom and brother are watching me and that I am doing them proud. I am so grateful to be a real mom again to my son. God, these rooms and the 12 steps are turning me into a productive member of society. I am blessed everyday to have this program!

Sue C.

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